Dark Clouds Anniversary, Silver Linings Celebration
And it is a black horizon passed, four years ago today. Had that unsufferable darkness not come; had it remained only dull gray sameness at an unrewarding job, I would be there still--trapped in routine, in unfulfilling sameness at the whim of those whose goods had nothing to do with me. I was a means toward their end, and too costly an experienced clinician at that. The harassment of the months leading up to this inevitable decision amounted to ageism, and I probably could have fought and "won". But instead, when I knew it was a lose-lose situation, I retreated. I surrendered. Go ahead. Hire a cheap new-grad replacement. I'll go and...I didn't know what I would go and do, only that I would go. Home. And I packed my boxes and left, with nothing planned for the rest of my life.
And it was from that helpless silence that the blog started. It was a way of talking to myself when I knew no one at "the company" was interested in anything I had to say, and I had given up finding a way or the will to suffer gray sameness. This is the anniversary that marks one the greatest and certainly, the most sudden and unintended changes of direction my life has ever taken. It seemed necessary at the time, but what came next, I could not say--only that it would have something to do with learning to take my bearings from where I lived, not from what I did for a living.
Early on, I had the strong conviction that the weblog, or the way of writing out of the images in my life that would be left there, would make a difference if I only persevered. Maybe I wouldn't find an income in it. The blog wouldn't make me rich or famous, but it would become a discipline worth the time and effort every morning. I knew this and told Ann so confidently, when she scolded me for "wasting time" in my fantasy world of disembodied stangers I spoke of as if there were "real people".
So much has happened since May 3, 2002--so many good things.
There was one particular person at my job of that time who I credit with being the driving force that caused me to resign. If I were to run into him today, I'd give the boy a big ol' hug and thank him. Had he not been the irritant he was, I never would have had the courage and will to jump ship. I never would have discovered the inner-writer, the weblog, and the friends, places and opportunities that have come because of his unpleasant and insufferable self. I'd just have to thank that sorry soul for making my life so miserable.
Funny how a little hindsight can cast a rosy glow on such dark clouds, isn't it?
Comments
Jeez. Four years! And something to say the whole time.
Have you visited Susan Albert's blog called Lifescapes? She's a mystery writer, and if anyone has figured out how to blend blogging and writing to complementary benefit, I'd guess she has.
Four years! Jeez.
Posted by: pablo | May 3, 2006 7:29 AM
I vaguely remember a quote from somewhere that goes something like this: "People will only follow their dream when the fear of doing so is exceeded by the pain of not doing so". It sounds as though that was true for you, and having followed your blog for, oh, maybe two and a half of those four years and seen the bounty that has come to you - and through you to the rest of us out here - in quite literally finding your place in the world, that brings a lot of hope and lessens that fear for those of us that are still in one of those gray places. So I guess that makes this anniversary a good place at which to say thanks for stepping out and being a pathfinder on that slow road home. Who knows what influence that book of yours may have? Could be a lot wider than you might have expected!
Posted by: andy | May 3, 2006 5:01 PM