Letting Them Go
We're having the parental difference of opinion that happens when those in your charge stand at the verge of early independence. For so long they have been in your charge alone, young, naive, and incapable of making decisions for themselves. They could not be expected to do the responsible thing, so unexposed as they were to the injuries and evils out there in the larger world waiting to do them harm. And yet, the day comes when you realize that, if they are going to become responsible adults, you have to start giving them freedoms in their adolescent years--including freedom to fail, and freedom to experience pain. It is a difficult thing to let them go. And even harder when the two parents see the world through different lenses. I fall toward the liberal, let-them-go side of the spectrum. Ann is very much the conservative, high-cautious keep-an-eye-on-them type. Maybe we can find a middle ground.
Tsuga certainly hopes so. Even after we open the door for him to go outside and entertain himself, he often looks back at the house, examining the windows to see eyes following him as he moves fifty, then sixty feet from home base. I get a general idea of which way he's heading and go back to my work. Ann frets and worries, and it becomes an urgent and alarming matter when the dog goes finally out of sight behind some trees or over the edge of the yard.
And I think we're both right. There are potential dangers from the road, even though we get fewer than a dozen vehicles a day going by. He still doesn't get the physics principle about two objects not occupying the same space at the same time, and thinks all cars passing want to meet him, up close and personal. We must break him of running to greet each passing truck that goes by. And he does seem easily distracted chasing the juncos that fly a bit farther, and then a bit farther with him right on their heels--er, wings. He could find himself in some unfamiliar place. Or encounter another dog--worse yet, a female in a come-hither way, and be lost in love.
But really. We have all this land that he knows well, and we never walk with him across our borders. Our acres are bordered on all sides by "empty" forest and he'd have to walk a mile or more to bother any other humans who would see his collar and give us a call. He is very fond of eating, and as soon as he gets hungry, he'd be home in a heartbeat. And we did the Pavlov thing early on: when I ring the big bell out back, it means prime treats if he comes right away. And just yesterday, with him at the far end of the valley and barely in sight, lost in the excavation of yet another mole, he made a bee-line for the treat at the sound of the bell.
It's hard to know when to give the kids the keys to the car for the first time. And long after they're grown, you still get a knot in your stomach every time you watch them drive away. It's not a lot different with the family dog. I'm all for letting him get his learner's permit. I'm not sure either one of us will ever be comfortable letting him go out, ever, without a curfew. We're just not that kind of parents.
Comments
Enlist a friend, and get one of those super soaker super high power water guns. Have friend(s) drive by a few times and soak Tsunga when he appraoches the car. He'll learn.
Posted by: Chris | February 21, 2004 9:06 AM
Hmm... would he learn any car or just that particular car?
Nice peeking-behind-the-door picture!
Posted by: Ana | February 21, 2004 11:19 AM
It's interesting - my lab casts that same look over her shoulder as she ventures out. I always thought of it as an individual thing, not a breed thing, but now I'm not so sure.
Posted by: Trey | February 21, 2004 2:29 PM
Great picture! Lot’s of personality there.
Posted by: Jeremiah | February 21, 2004 5:14 PM
Fred, you and Ann probably do have a sensible balance on the whole thing, but I still shivered, about the road/cars thing. For entirely personal reasons...we are on a smaller joint here, only 10 acres, with the swell majority of those acres out behind the house. But is that where my dogs (and my parents' dogs before me) choose to go? No. They are invariably drawn to the short end of the property, down the gravel road to the highway that sits only about 50 yds. from here.
My folks fenced in a "back yard" to try to keep the dogs from wandering off into harm's way when put outside for play and exercise. Still, 2 slipped under the fence and ended up dead on the highway, and when I took over the house years ago, 2 of mine did the same. I know, crappy fence. (We've fixed it up).
Plus, around here there are still the type of people who set out trays of anti-freeze, by way of showing their attitude toward stray dogs, collar-wearing or not.
I don't know, guess I have a little Ann-type worry in me for Tsuga, too. :)
Posted by: peggy | February 21, 2004 5:22 PM
Wings or cages? It's a tough balance, but it does sound like you are receptive to gently exploring the boundaries. That is an absolutely adorable glimpse of Tsuga. He is lucky to have the expanse, yet still have the kind of parents that are tough enough to keep the curfew alive.
Posted by: ntexas99 | February 21, 2004 6:11 PM
What a wonderful story! You didn't even need that delightful photo to show your puppy's personality; it came through in your words. And more importantly, I felt what you were feeling about the responsibility with those you love and must set free and pray that they'll be okay.
Don't worry. You sound like excellent parents.
Posted by: susan | February 21, 2004 7:38 PM
We have done the same with our dogs. It has helped that I take them up every morning to the end of our drive where they sit while I get the paper. Then they get a treat. I also took Jay up his first winter when I dug out the mouth of the drive after the plough. He then taught Mildred.
I know that I take a risk - a squirrel may run across the road - but they have a life of freedom
Posted by: Robert Paterson | February 21, 2004 11:00 PM
Ah, Tsuga. I can empathize, little brother. A good hint: don't argue. Nod with a look of interest and concern, as if you're taking in everything they say. Then, once you're out of their sight, do what you want. Just make sure to bring cinnamon gum if you booze it.
Folks, I was gonna call you tonight, but didn't make it back before your bedtime. Will likely try tomorrow. Only took me six months, but I got a phonecard.
Hope it's a good weekend so far.
Posted by: nathan | February 21, 2004 11:35 PM
You and Ann sound like my Hunky Husband and me--only in reverse. He won't let the cats go outside if it's raining, or snowing, or cold. He worries. I say, if the cats want out, they go out! After all, their fur coats are great insulation and they have piles of brick and assorted stuff and woods to hide/snuggle into--not to mention the big old mailbox that is lined in indoor/outdoor carpeting and carefully placed next to a stack of bricks (radiators) under the porch steps. It must be a law of selection that each couple have one cavalier and one worrying partner.
Posted by: Cop Car | February 22, 2004 5:32 AM
Sorry, had a report of weirdness with page layout after posts from yesterday so I removed the dog pix thinking somehow that had given Moveable Type indigestion. I'm not at all sure that was the prob, but it was an image display a few months back that caused the page to paint in strange ways back in the Fall. Tsuga will be back!
Posted by: fredf | February 22, 2004 9:24 AM
Ok, Sorry I missed the photo, but your story enough carries me through. I am at exactly that point in life with my little humans so I understand Ann more than I want to. My husband definitely is like you Fred, but worse. He thinks that they will be like cats and land on their feet if dropped from any distance and suspects that they will come back to be petted. Oh this parental thing is harder than labor.
PS-Don't let Tsuga hang out with big bro Nathan (just a parental gut feelin')
Posted by: Marie | February 22, 2004 7:20 PM