Home(Sick) for the Holidays
It is a holiday. Ergo, I am sick. I have always been one of those responsible types who was too dedicated to my job role to get sick on company time (or school time back when). So, my body waits until a break to break down. Even now that I am not working a forty hour regular schedule, my metabolism still follows the old pattern. So today is brought to you by our sponsors-- Kleenex, Cepacol and Vaseline.
It's just a cold, and I'm way overdue. Haven't had one for several years. I am compelled to tell you, however, that this cold negates everything we've ever learned about "germ theory" and colds. Mine must have come either by spontaneous generation of microorganisms or as the results of a secret government biowarfare program fine tuned to Goose Creek. See, I haven't been around the requisite human aerosols to catch this sucker.
No, wait. I take that back. Church last Sunday. Likely mechanism: "sharing the peace" which involves lots of hand-shaking and such. Rename: "Sharing the P-neumonia".
In grammar school years, I was sick three Christmases in a row. While everybody else was decking the halls, my mother was decking my chest with a diaper pinned to my PJs, slathered in a thick paste of Vicks VapoRub. The stuff still smells like Christmas trees to me. So there I lay limp and puny on the couch, viewing the tree horizontally, vicariously enjoying everyone else's enjoyment with new skates and candy and such. Then, slop, here come the medicated diaper emanating those tear-gas vapors, and even the visuals went dark. Terrible times, those.
But somehow, just the recollection of that greasy gray salve has opened up my snuffy nose miraculously just now! But wait-- there's more coming to me. Tell me if I am alone in this heinous childhood indignity: It was not enough to pin on the biowarfare diaper. No. There were orifices available.
Two dollops went up the nostrils. And the coup de gras -- a fingerful went to the back of the tongue (the memory evokes the gag reflex) precisely there were all the bitter taste papillae congregated for just such a moment. I think that since my childhood, this practice has become illegal under the Geneva Convention except in a few third world countries that we usually associate with inhumane treatment of prisoners.
Well, you can see I'm delirious. I won't be held accountable for anything I might say today. Being a holiday, there won't be anybody reading blogs today anyway, so what da hey? Oh no. Where are the Kleenex. ah aH AH... watch out! the monitor! nooooooooooooooooo......
Comments
Happy Thanksgiving Fred, and best wishes for a speedy recovery as well.
BTW, you have my deeply felt sympathy, I spent last December on my back, leveled by kidney stones.
My first trip to the ER was December 6, and I wound up having surgery on Dec 26. You may well remember all this, I know I griped and complained to most everyone within a three county radius. I don't do pain very well.
Posted by: ronbailey | November 27, 2003 10:26 AM
my pattern on the other hand is that i usually get sick precisely three days after every holiday.
Posted by: bill | November 27, 2003 10:27 AM
Trishian moment: It's coup de grace, with a little hat-like thingy over the a. Meaning, the stroke of mercy, that is, ending it, capping it, a finishing or decisive event. Gras on the other hand, means grease or fat, as in pate de fois gras (fat liver spread.) So the mistake is an apt one, since you ARE talking about grease.
Hope you feel better. I'll be posting my experience with illness that loves to run up as soon as you let down on my blog. I'll be back in a few to let you know it's up.
I wouldn't miss my pass at Fragments, even if it IS a holiday. Don't underestimate the power of a great blog, Fred, even with a stuffy nose.
Posted by: trish | November 27, 2003 4:26 PM
I found that what I remembered of a comment on getting sick is really one about the start of a long trip. But the revved up motorboat image still works. Here is the quote.
Posted by: trish | November 27, 2003 4:35 PM
YEP! That's where you picked up this bug. I've always said they should pass out surgical gowns, masks and rubber gloves at the door of the church this time of year.
I just allow them to think I went to Florida for the winter months and stay away from everyone until around April. Hang tough Fred.
Posted by: Clarence | November 28, 2003 5:30 AM
Dear Brother,
I also have a cold. A very nasty one. I am not a church goer so it must have been checking-in used books at the store. I spent the entire holiday at Grandma's cleaning the gutters, carrying wood, and trimming ivy on the walls. My mother came out every few minutes to ask what was wrong. I am sick, Mom. This answer was not good enough and questions were leveled with bayonetts attached. Are you and Jessica ok? Is school going ok? Do you have enough money? Are you eating well? On and on it went for the whole day till dinner time. Don't you like the food? Mom! I have a cold I can't taste anything! The room goes quite and Pap says, "Don't talk to your mother that way." I give up. I head back into the rain to see if I can gather some of the windfall on the hill. Happy Holidays everyone! It's all uphill from here.
Posted by: Seth Williams | November 28, 2003 12:56 PM