July 27, 2004

Journal ~ July 27, 2004

An uneasy night. The kind I had almost forgotten about, dream-infested. Not the sequential story kind of dream where something happens to somebody, maybe to me or a me-like person. No, dreams more enigmatic, symbolic like the theme music from Jaws where by the tone of it, I know that there is danger, but it is under the surface, somewhere, circling. I should run, hide in a cage of steel bars, protect myself from some unnamable threat. IN half-dreams of dread, I am helplessness, treading murky water knowing there is Something below.

There IS something out there. And as I thrashed around in my semi-conscious ambivalence, it was sometimes the shark and sometimes a rescue boat that might carry me to or in the direction of solid ground. I've only had a few hours to reach a conclusion which of these phantoms is the more accurate. But I have to decide. Soon.

If I say yes, it will mean saying no to the weblog, the book, many other things, for four months. It will mean that all my thinking and reading and focus will be determined by this yes. It will mean living with an overshadowing, pervasive excitement and dread, and I don't have an idea in what kind of proportion. Some income will flow in if I grasp this line tossed near me; but considering the preparation, the travel, the cost-benefit fraction, I wouldn't do it for money. It would be a foot inside a door I had thought closed for good, and probably rightly so.

I am so long away from the waters in which I was once happily immersed, and so bouyant. I was a strong swimmer then. And today, I struggle with the feeling I am flotsam on that vast sea that has moved on without me now for--can it be?-- seventeen years. Should I stay afloat dog-paddling about this tiny pond enjoying the scenery, or grab the ring and hope the boat is going ashore and not into the Bermuda triangle?

Fish or cut bait? Dog paddle or power stroke? Sink or swim? They're waiting for an answer.

Posted by fred1st at July 27, 2004 06:27 AM | TrackBack

What does it give you?

Is that something you want? I mean, *really* want?

Is the door through to a better place than you are now? By whatever meaning of 'better' has most resonance for you?

I still haven't read Castenada, but Denny at Book of Life introduced me to the idea of following 'a path with heart'. Seemed like good advice. And course be either of the paths you see before you. Or another one entirely. You'll know which.

Posted by: andy at July 27, 2004 12:03 PM


Sounds like you don't want to do whatever it is: "danger...struggle...dread," etc. Negative stuff sure outweighs the positive as presented here.

Your readers are being noble in not trying to influence you, but we're wondering.

Posted by: Lin B at July 28, 2004 08:07 AM

Don't let the lack of comments let you think we don't care. It's just a decision you have to make alone. I've faced the same issues..ie. The desire to be involved in your career and seemingly involved in the fray, stress, and excitement of the world vs. the peace, loneliness, and boredom of rural life. We all have only a minutely few sunrises and sunsets left to watch. You are not alone; that's all I can contribute.

Posted by: fletch at July 28, 2004 10:29 AM

You don't sound excited, Fredster; you sound obligated. Am I supposed to know what this is about?--legit Q as I have faded in and out here, of late. Anyway, you don't sound on fire with this thing, whatever it is.

Posted by: Doc Rock at July 28, 2004 12:20 PM

Follow your bliss.

Posted by: feste at July 28, 2004 07:00 PM

Hmmmm. Actually, it sounds to be like you have been offered a teaching position. We go from dreaming to what sounds like some real possibility. And the dread and negativity are about wondering if you're "up to it," if you haven't gotten "too old" or "too out of it," or some such other gibble-t-gabble. You might have to give up a daily blog like the one you've been keeping, but if you look at the ranks of bloggers, you'll find many a teacher among'em. I just don't buy the fear of the future I'm hearing, Fred. Wade on out there. Is it a challenge? Something that can fascinate you? I swore I'd never teach again, and the very IDEA of 8th grade made me slightly nauseous. But I grabbed the golden ring, had a great ride, and earned myself enough money to make a few outlandish dreams come true. Why not you?

Posted by: trish at July 28, 2004 07:54 PM

For four months? The Parkway job?

Posted by: trish at July 28, 2004 07:57 PM

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