This from Indigo Insights, whose author credits a certain "Don from the mountains of Virginia" who I'm sure would not mind having his wise petowner rules passed along by another mountaineer:
______________________________
Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
UPDATE: I've just learned from Mr. Indigo that the story above originated here in Floyd County! Small world after all.
Posted by fred1st at November 30, 2003 07:20 AM | TrackBackI am still guffawing. David and I often muse on the fact that there is this pet compulsion to accompany us in beds, bathrooms, office chairs, computer keyboards and kitchen tables. And, never leave the following unattended...open, partially-packed suitcases, grocery bags or unfolded laundry. Pet entitlements, right?
Posted by: Gretchen at November 30, 2003 07:55 AM
WS had to know what I was laughing at as I read this entry. The sad thing is, we laughed not because it was so darn funny to read, but that we laughed because we recognized our household in every sentence!
Posted by: bogie at November 30, 2003 08:24 AM
That's funny. It's funny because I identify with it all. Perhaps non-pet owners don't find it funny. Anyway, it's circulating around some pet owners in the office. Thanks! And best wishes to Tsuga.
Posted by: Coup de Vent at November 30, 2003 10:50 AM
I think most pet owners could have written something akin to that piece. I know it describes the situation around this house.
Our dog Jenny, has a multitude of what I call "cowlicks" all over her body. She has one right in the middle of her chest. It's a whirlpool of hair growth that is so tightly spiraled it's all but impossible to do anything with except cut it as short as possible. She also has two very prominent ones on her behind, one on each thigh and what a tangled mess that would be if we didn't stay after it with brush and scissor. We give her special vitamins each morning with garlic in them. It is said to promote a healthy coat. I've never seen hair grow that fast. I wonder...would it help me if I took them also?
Posted by: Clarence at November 30, 2003 06:02 PM
The truth sets you free! You made my day Thanks Rob
Posted by: robert paterson at December 4, 2003 04:17 PM