May 08, 2003

Fast. Hideous. Just DO IT!

Image copyright Fred First
There were two brothers, according to a story I heard about some family members. One was said to be a fastidious dresser. The other, a fast hideous dresser. I mention this because, twixt me and the spouse, I am fastidious. Spouse is... well, here's a small case study to explain.

If you've been following along here (bless your little hearts) you might recall we have been doing battle with at least one Phoebe who is hell-bent to cohabit our house with us. Finally, with Fredish ingenuity, I managed to repel her and her slimy nesting mud-and-moss-and-birdspit from the lintel over the door. As the wife was about to pop a carotid over this mess, that was a good thing, and the Army of One was commended and allowed to stand at 'parade rest'.

Late during the workday yesterday, said Phoebe reappeared and started not so much a nest as an avian form of 'take THAT!' on top of our front porch light. I waited until the last possible minute to share the bad news with spouse, although I did have a plan for a Phoebe Abatement Program. My carefully considered and next-logical-step idea was to spread a thickish layer of Vaseline on the top of the lamp and then coat it with a heavy blanket of course-ground black pepper. (My mother sent us two kilos of the stuff for Christmas. Thanks mom. Makes a great bird repellent). I was sure we'd be hearing little birdy sneezes (God bless you) and Phoebe would be repulsed and I would once again be a hero. Maybe get a medal of some sort to pin on my Carhartts.

But NO! She would have none of it! Fie on the theoretical chemical defenses! A pox on your puny logical steps! If you're not going to do it RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I'll have to do it myself! she fumed. And Private Fred retired to a safe distance while spouse carried out her fast hideous solution to our problem. Which you can see in Exhibit A above. I rest my case...

After 33 years as an enlisted man, I resisted the urge to tell the General that I thought the birdpoop on the porch lamp would have looked better than THAT! (And I guess I won't be getting that medal after all. And of course, I expect a prompt court marshall when SHE sees THIS! I'll blog from the brig. Send me a file as an email attachment.)

Posted by fred1st at May 8, 2003 05:57 AM | TrackBack

That is certainly an interesting solution. Me, I would have given up by now and the pheobe would be an occupying force.

Posted by: bogie at May 8, 2003 06:53 AM

i suppose the final answer to the question will be whether this new solution works. if it does, don't say anything about it being unsightly. if it doesn't, still don't say anything about it. some things are more important than others. i learned that many years ago myself.

Posted by: bud at May 8, 2003 08:32 AM


Posted by: feste at May 9, 2003 02:23 PM

WHat happened to the .22? Even the red ryder BB gun can fix this problem... without duct tape!

Posted by: Dave at May 10, 2003 02:32 PM

To Dave: I've not found that a Daisy discourages ANY wild thing. My Hunky Husband has tried, mightily.

To Fred: I'm told that birds have no sense of smell; so, I'd save the 2 kilos for self-indulgence.

To Bogie: Atta girl!

Posted by: Cop Car at May 10, 2003 07:33 PM

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