December 10, 2002

King Solomon's Sheets

Winter is the season when thermoregulation becomes a really high priority in these parts, and particularly in this house. The Queen must be have comfort in her castle! Of course, staying within a comfort range, temperature-wise, is a consideration in the summer too. More so in Dixie-land were was I was bornin'. In summer, you can only take off so much. If you're still sweating, tuff. On any given day in winter, you can pretty well add or subtract layers of cloth or increase or decrease your exertion level and find the Goldilocks Happy Medium that is 'just right'.

When it comes to what is 'just right' in bedclothes for winter, she says tomAto and I say she's way wrong about that. I expect in January the same kind of cotton sheets that have been on the bed since summer. This constancy serves as a common denominator of comparison between the seasons. Yes, they're cold, at first, but you know that warmth is coming. Sleeping under cotton sheets in winter is to resist cowtowing to the instant gratification crowd who prefer other fussy fabrics at night. Sissies.

"Oooh! Can you imagine how good these freezing sheets would have felt back in August!" I ask rhetorically, while Ann is convulsing with cold over on the southern half of the bed, her Skinniness unable to voice a retort through chattering blue lips.

Somewhere along our hundred years of marriage, we were given a set of flannel sheets. For Herself, it was love at first touch. Queen TomAto slipped between those powder blues one winter night decades back, making embarassingly sensual sounds of snuggliness. She has been unwilling to give them up since. Sleeping on and under flannel at night feels to me like being stuffed naked into an electric wool sock. On this issue, we simply do not agree, never will forever amen.

Marriages have ended with controversies less trivial than this. What were we going to do? How could we resolve this either-or conundrum? Make it both-and! That's right. Divide the baby!

Tonight, we will replace my cotton with His 'n Hers custom marriage-maintenance sheets: my half cotton, her half electric wool sock. Many years ago, we simply took one cotton and one flannel, cut them down the middle, and stitched them back together again. Voila! Now we both sleep where the covers suit our temperaments.

The stitch down the middle also provides a convenient marker so that there is no debate about whether she has crossed the middle line with knees or elbows (which somehow grow in both size and sharpness during the night). But that is another issue before the arbitration committee.

Now: if we could just find some way to divide the kitchen into two separate but equal halves...hmmmmm.

Posted by fred1st at December 10, 2002 05:54 AM

Omigosh, that is BRILLIANT! My enlightenment for the day - thanks.

- Married in Iowa to husband requiring oscillating fan to sleep ... summer and winter.

Posted by: Lisa at December 10, 2002 09:03 AM

"custom marriage-maintenance sheets"? *lol*

Very nice.

Posted by: Mike at December 10, 2002 09:58 AM

If Mama's not warm, ain't nobody happy, or something like that. Has she "crossed the line" and tried to put cold feet on your warm person? Thank you dear, please go ahead and put your cold hands on me too![/sarcasm]

Posted by: MarcV at December 10, 2002 04:05 PM

Brilliant, Fred. Mrs. Sainteros and I have had this exact problem--I look forward to sharing your solution with her.

Posted by: sainteros at December 10, 2002 11:02 PM

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